Smashing Apples.

Friday morning the DTS got together to have a huge session of prayer, repentance, and forgiveness... They weren’t forcing anyone to do anything, but they encouraged us to let go and forgive people, also to repent of sins and turn to God.

As hard as it sounded to me and as much as I didn’t want to, I decided that I needed to do all these things. (repent, forgive, pray)

My friend Edward went up first and repented on his knees and forgive a bunch of people. Surrounded by friends (or by this point family) praying for him. He broke down in tears. It was very emotional. As I was listening and praying with my face buried in my hands, I started crying, no, not crying.. Sobbing. The first time I can recall crying in 10 years. No exaggeration. It was an amazing release. As tears poured out of my face I couldn’t help but think “Holy crap, I’m actually crying, I forgot what this felt like.”

I decided it was time for me to go up there and do the dance. I let go of some pretty heavy things. Forgave lots of people. repented. It felt good. Another release of things that were pent up inside of me. I still felt super heavy though. I can’t explain it. I felt like God wasn’t done with me. He wanted more. I wanted more.

I was done with the forgiveness fest and the rage of repentance.I just sat there on the ground with my legs crossed. Praying. Listening to all my friends from my YWAM family crying and breaking strongholds and running to God. I wanted more! I didn’t feel like I had actually fully let go and repented of my sins and such. Even though I could already feel a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

A thought popped into my head. “Go, walk in the woods.” I kinda pushed that thought back. “This isn’t the time to go and galavant in the woods.” We were supposed to have worship and some other stuff that I thought I shouldn’t miss. It was a persistent thought, however. “Go, walk in the woods.” Finally I succumbed to the thought. “OK! I’ll go.” I grabbed my coat, left the rest of my stuff where it was and bolted without telling someone where I was going. I didn’t want to interrupted anyone. In retrospect I probably should have told someone. But It worked out ok.

Back to the story.

We find me in walking into the woods.

About 2 minutes into my walk. I found an green apple laying in the ground. It had some haggard brown spots, as most apples would if you found it on a trail in the woods. I picked this apple up and took it along with me on my walk. I walked for a long time. Probably about an hour. After I had gotten to a point where I had no idea where I had ventured to, I stopped. Looking down at the apple I had grasped in my hand. The thought slipped into my head “Hmm.. This apple is kinda like my sin.” A cliché reference to Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit. So I decided to try and smash it on a huge tree in front of me in a vain symbolic attempt to dash my sins.

So what did I do? “If I’m getting rid of this sin I’m going to do it with power and glory!” So, I Chucked the apple as hard as I possibly could at this tree!

And......................................

.......................................

........................................................................................... I missed. I missed the huge tree. It was right in front of me!

Then I thought “I tried too hard.” In trying so hard to smash this apple with style I tried to throw it too hard and just missed completely.

Then I got this beautiful piece of graceful wisdom from God. “You’re trying too hard with your sins. You’re trying so, so hard to dash all your sins on this huge figurative tree, and in your vain attempt, you’ve missed. Just let go of your sins and give them up to me. Run to me.” I rummaged deep in the forrest past the tree and finally found the apple. I went back to where I was standing and just tossed the apple and it EXPLODED on the tree. I finally realized what God was telling me.. “You can’t do this. All you can do is let go of these sins and turn to me, and my Son has already done the rest. you can’t save yourself.”

Hahahahaha. I just started laughing with this big stupid grin on my face. I turned and started walking back singing worship songs. “I love you Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you, Oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my King, in what you hear, let it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear.” I finally opened my mind to what God was telling me: I can’t be my savior.

Somewhere during the walk home I started to think about how long I walked through the woods with that apple clasped in my hands. It was at least an hour. I thought to myself “Wow, I held that apple and walked with it for a REALLY long time!”

Suddenly the apple/sin reference filled my head again. I realized that just like with the apple, I held on to my sins for soo long! Wayy too long. I carried these sins for way longer than I needed to or should have. All I had to do was let them go and run to God.

Not only did I finally get the idea of repenting, and that I cant do anything on my own. But, I had gotten a word from God and for the most part understood it and realized that it was from Him. Which was a huge answer to prayer in-and-of-itself.

I got back to the Chalet right before lunch. I’m not really sure how long I was gone. But everyone was like “Where’d you go, Josh?”

I just told them that I had to talk with God in the woods. They understood.

Clenched to This Pyre

Ok, so this is basically like a conversation back and forth between me and God.. Call and answer.

I can feel it in my bones

Something, about to break.

“It’s about time

Love is an action not a thought.”

“It’s your pain now

You’re grasping to the hurt.”

I’m holding on, growing weary

“Let go and experience rest.”

I’m clenched, helpless to this pyre

“Let go and dress your wounds.”

I’m stuck, clutching my shackles

“Let go and explore freedom.”

Letting go, letting go, letting go.

“What took you so long?”

I believed the lies.

“Well, you’re free now.”

What a beautiful gift?!

"This is forgiveness..."

Little Big People.

Just wrote this.. needs a lot more work. But here it is.

Little, big people trying to rule the world.

Acting mature

But, really helpless children.

Big on the outside,

But little on the inside.

yea, we love this, we love this!

Reveal the Truth

They know nothing,

Full of intellectual pride,

In an abnormal world made up to be normal.

Set them on fire!

Don’t let the sun go down on this!

Take the risk, Take the risk.

I.Am.Blessed.

Wow, I truly feel God's love today. It's incredible. He has so much for me. I can't wait to see what else he has planned for me. I am having such a good time.

Thank you so much for praying!

I don't know if I can explain the feelings that I'm having right now. I feel so blessed by God.

Please continue to pray!

I'm HERE!

I'm IN Switzerland! It's so surreal! It's beautiful! I love my teammates already.. It's amazing how much we've all already gotten to know each other. It's only the beginning of the 3rd day and I'm already ridiculously excited for what is to come!

God has blessed my tremendously. I am so happy to be here!

Thank you so much for prayers! Please continue to pray for support for my outreach phase!

:D:D

To live is Christ.

I'm so excited, I might barf!

Today is my last day of work! Holyyyyy Smokes. I leave in 12 days! I paid my school fees. Now it's all just minor prep. before I leave!

Thanks Sooo much to everyone who has helped me out. Either financially or through prayer, or both! Like I said, I paid my school fees. So the first half of the money that I needed has come in. I still need another $3000, for the outreach phase of my trip. Luckily I don't need that for another 2 months or so. Your continued prayer and support is MUCH MUCH appreciated, as this is something that I am worried about!

Pray for my mental and physical health! Thank you! :)

Here's something I was thinking about today:

It's not only important/ AMAZING that Jesus died for our sins. But it is, I feel, also very important that He humbled himself and became flesh, so that He could LIVE for us. Jesus is our only pure example of how we should live our lives. God created us in His image. When original sin came about we lost our example of how we should live our lives. So, when Jesus came to earth, He not only came to die for our sins, so that we are eternally forgiven, but He came to live on earth as a man and show us how to truly reflect God, as men, to the rest of His onlooking-fallen creation.

Isn't that incredible?!

Love!

Love. Love. Love.

Well, I am no longer counting down to my departure day in months. We’re down to the days. 18 days to be exact. I am unexplainably excited and at the same time I am scared out of my mind!

I recently heard Mission defined as: “Reflecting God to an onlooking world.”

What does this entail? We have to show people, believers and non-believers alike the love of God, through our own love for them. Every second of our lives we should be living out the Gospel. You never know who is watching and you never know who’s life you could change forever, just by reflecting the love of God.

We are the glory of God. He created us in His image. We cannot forget this; He created us to love as He loves. God created us to be in relationship, in community; In the likeness of the Trinity.. Always in community. Loving and watching out for each other.

We have all forgotten the importance of love. Everything else spins outwardly from this. When we truly love as God loves, everything follows. On rare occasions when I briefly put this into practice I have experienced true joy; Unexplainable joy. God created us to love.

Philippians 1:9-10

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,"

Love: Love the world with all your heart.

1 Peter 4:8
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

How do we put this into practice? Don’t ask me. I’m not even close to finding out how. No matter how much you talk about it, it’s hard to actually love everyone, all the time. Especially people who are mean, rude, annoying, prideful, etc. the list goes on. Guess what, love those people MORE!

All I know is that instead of praying for God to make you love people, or to help you love people, pray that God would show you how to love people. We’ve all heard it before “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.” I feel like this applies.

One of my constant struggles is that I feel inadequate. I see good and bad parts in me. I see qualities that I know reflect God. But more often than not, those qualities are over-shadowed by the bad qualities. It scares me. I see anger. I trampled down my anger that I formerly couldn’t control, but I still feel the anger deep down. I lust. My eyes want what they shouldn’t. It’s hard for me to love people that I think I am better than. Even though the truth is: I’m no better than anyone. I’m probably worse. My mind is constantly going where it shouldn’t. My thoughts are constantly at war with my heart.

Compare the good or redeeming qualities (for those english majors) and the bad with two fighting dogs. One dog being the glorious qualities, the ones that we would consider a reflection of God. The other dog is all of the dark, sickening traits that are the result of satan’s whispered lies. Which dog wins? How could one answer that question? My best answer is one that I didn’t come up with. The dog who wins, the dog who triumphs is the dog you feed the most..

*Please pray that God would show me how to love people. That love would bubble up out of my heart. To quote Mewithoutyou: “A glass can only spill what it contains”. Pray that my heart would be overfilled with love, that it would spill out onto/ into everyone I meet, everyone I see, all of my friends, my family. Pray that all goes well with my preparations. With only 18 days to go, I am getting pretty nervous about all of my planning. Pray that all of the support comes in. I still need about $2000 dollars. I believe it will come in. Pray for my fellow teammates. Pray for community within our group. Pray for safety.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

P.S... I'm feeding the good dog Kibbles n' Bits with Beggin Strips.. ;)

Thank you. :)

Placing Hope?

“And so, Lord where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Rescue me from my rebellion, for even fools mock me when I rebel.”

Psalm 39:7-8

My hope is in God.... Not myself.

I guess this post is more for me than anyone else. I’m in dire need of prayer.

As life creeps closer to the time when I am scheduled to leave, I can’t help but feel like I’m not ready for this.

Please pray for my mental and spiritual preparation for the trip. Pray that I’d live my life in a way that honors Jesus, because I know I don’t most of the time. I try, but my sin nature is a strong one. Pray that I’d be a better friend. That God would give me uncontainable love that spills over, out of the valves of my heart. I am hungry, I have tasted what God has to offer. I want it. Pray for a thirst for Jesus. I don’t want to just know ABOUT Him. I want to KNOW Him! I want to EXPERIENCE Him!

As much as I want to be close to God, I still seem to make the same mistakes that draw me further away. That’s the main thing that I need prayer for.

Thank you.

Glory.

I turn and face the facts;

We’ve ruined God’s fair world.

With our lies

and addictions

and with dripping lust.

I’ve pulled up my chair and tuned in my television set

to watch the fall of God’s good creation.

Sitting around, no action took.

Is it not my job?

I put Him on the cross, I’ve no cross to bare.

How did it come to this?

This garden once was perfect.*

Now, over-grown with weeds. I can barely find my way.

I am supposed to be His glory? What a glorified mess.

Although I am a broken man, my minds at peace,

Because I find beauty in God's love as He mends my shattered soul.

*This line is adapted from lyrics from The Hush Sound.

P.S. Sorry, I've slacked a bit on the blogage... I've been busy.

Hunger!

If I opened my bible half as much as I check up on my Twitter, I’d be a theologian by now.
I am a day in to this fast; I have already realized how much time that I have free to do other stuff in the day when I am not preoccupied with Facebook and Twitter. I have more time to pray and read my bible. It’s actually pretty spectacular.
Another thing being made apparent to me is that I am a glutton. You may not think so when you look at me. But, spend a day with me and you’ll see how much I eat. My close friends can attest to that. I really do just do it to pass time. I totally enjoy it. As of right now I am pretty-dang hungry. This whole not eating thing is super foreign to me. I think I’m slowly getting used to it though.

So far, I haven’t had any spiritual revelations, yet. However, I have definitely had some really great prayer and bible time. I am looking forward to where tomorrow takes me.

Pray that God reveals himself to me during this time. Pray for me to seek God, not just hide and wait for him to find me. Pray for God to give me strength.

The Fast.

So,

I've decided to do a 3 day fast. Today(Friday, July 24th) through Sunday, July 26th. Not a long one, cause I'm starting out small. I don't want to bit of more than i can swallow.

For the past month or so, I've been evaluating myself and my relationship with Christ. I've come to the conclusion that I have become to focused on things other than God. Such as: Friends(as much as I love them, they can't go before Jesus), food, facebook, girls and other such things. Not that friends or facebook or food is bad.

Hopefully, during this fast my walk with Christ will grow stronger as a result of leaning on God for support.

I am fasting food, other than like, soup and such. I'll be drinking water and juice. I'm also fasting Facebook and Twitter.

We'll see what happens. Please pray that this would be a beneficial fast.

Take The Steps.

It's not a door. It's not.. Even though it has hinges and it clearly looks like a door.. there's even place where a handle used to be. I guess this raises the question... Is the handle what makes a door a door? Or is it the act of realizing that there's a door right in front of you and taking those few pivotal steps through..?

Ice Cream Scoops.

I can’t think on one subject for more than 10 seconds! It’s been this way my whole life. It’s just now a problem. Maybe it is because I finally have something to say. Something that is important to think about for more than a fleeting moment.

I wish I could take an ice cream scoop to my brain, scoop out the mess that is my thoughts and lay them all out in from of you in a way that makes sense... But, I don’t want to risk the brain damage.

So, I pray for God to give me a clear mind and an unraveled tongue. If for even just one day I could have a clear and focused head, that would be a blessing.

I’ve been actually trying to make an effort to read my Bible everyday. Sadly, If this was for a grade, I’d probably have an even worse score than in school. When I DO read, I always pray beforehand. The reason being that most times I find the answer to my prayer, in the Bible. This is a newly introduced practice for me.

The other day I prayed that God would help me with what I would consider to one of my biggest struggles, right now... Lust.

For some reason I read through 1 Chronicles. (15:13-15) The part I read had to do with when David was having the Levites move the Ark to a new location. He says “Because you Levites did not carry the Ark the first time, the anger of the Lord our God burst out against us. We failed to ask God how to move it properly.” When I read this it hit me that I haven’t asked God how to remove this sin from my life properly. I have been trying to do it on my own. I failed to ask my Creator how to go about plucking out my lustful eyes and replacing them with pure, unwandering eyes. (figuratively, of course).

This is my "revelation" for the day.

Please, pray that God would show me how to pray. Pray that I could get my thoughts in order. If you think my speech sounds chaotic...please take a look inside my head. Pray that God shows me how to properly rid myself of my lustful spirit.

This is Really Happening...

I wish my words came out poetic, but they don’t. I wish I could write a thousand words and woo everyone reading. I can’t.

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head that know no one will get to understand, because I can’t say them in tangible words. Most times I stumble over my tongue and I just sound chaotic... I hope that with this blog I can write it all out, and have it make sense. That’s my goal.

My life is going to be changing drastically in the next few months. I will be embarking on a life changing journey.

In September, I leave for Lausanne, Switzerland. Located on Lake Geneva. I will be part of an organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). This amazing organization has been impacting lives for decades. I am so excited to be a part of it.

While in Switzerland I’ll be taking part in a 3 month DTS (Discipleship Training School). Throughout this time I will be learning SO MUCH about the bible. I am so excited for how my relationship and personal walk with Christ will grow! There will be speakers every week, along with intense bible study and prayer. (I’ll also have chances to explore Switzerland and surrounding countries).

After my 3 month stay in Lausanne, I will transition from learning and preparing to actually putting that stuff to use. I have no idea where I will be for the next 3 months of my journey. All that I know is that wherever Christ takes me, I am so ready.

So, this is where I’m at. 2 months away. and I’m shaking in my boots. So scared, yet so excited... Still much to do.

Pray that I will be emotionally ready, spiritually ready, mentally ready. Pray that I will get to know people right away and build relationships that will last a lifetime. Pray for support to come in. Pray for a sound mind, for purity. Pray for my leaders and for my fellow YWAMers. Pray that I can put myself aside and serve others, without hesitation. Pray for my flight. Pray for the speakers. Pray that I can spread God’s love to EVERYONE I talk to. Pray for my public speaking. Pray for courage over my fears. Pray for me to love others.

This will be my attempt to articulate my thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, and things that I learn along the way. Hopefully I can paint an accurate picture of what it’s like to see the world and God through my eyes. Here it goes. This is really happening...