Friday morning the DTS got together to have a huge session of prayer, repentance, and forgiveness... They weren’t forcing anyone to do anything, but they encouraged us to let go and forgive people, also to repent of sins and turn to God.
As hard as it sounded to me and as much as I didn’t want to, I decided that I needed to do all these things. (repent, forgive, pray)
My friend Edward went up first and repented on his knees and forgive a bunch of people. Surrounded by friends (or by this point family) praying for him. He broke down in tears. It was very emotional. As I was listening and praying with my face buried in my hands, I started crying, no, not crying.. Sobbing. The first time I can recall crying in 10 years. No exaggeration. It was an amazing release. As tears poured out of my face I couldn’t help but think “Holy crap, I’m actually crying, I forgot what this felt like.”
I decided it was time for me to go up there and do the dance. I let go of some pretty heavy things. Forgave lots of people. repented. It felt good. Another release of things that were pent up inside of me. I still felt super heavy though. I can’t explain it. I felt like God wasn’t done with me. He wanted more. I wanted more.
I was done with the forgiveness fest and the rage of repentance.I just sat there on the ground with my legs crossed. Praying. Listening to all my friends from my YWAM family crying and breaking strongholds and running to God. I wanted more! I didn’t feel like I had actually fully let go and repented of my sins and such. Even though I could already feel a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
A thought popped into my head. “Go, walk in the woods.” I kinda pushed that thought back. “This isn’t the time to go and galavant in the woods.” We were supposed to have worship and some other stuff that I thought I shouldn’t miss. It was a persistent thought, however. “Go, walk in the woods.” Finally I succumbed to the thought. “OK! I’ll go.” I grabbed my coat, left the rest of my stuff where it was and bolted without telling someone where I was going. I didn’t want to interrupted anyone. In retrospect I probably should have told someone. But It worked out ok.
Back to the story.
We find me in walking into the woods.
About 2 minutes into my walk. I found an green apple laying in the ground. It had some haggard brown spots, as most apples would if you found it on a trail in the woods. I picked this apple up and took it along with me on my walk. I walked for a long time. Probably about an hour. After I had gotten to a point where I had no idea where I had ventured to, I stopped. Looking down at the apple I had grasped in my hand. The thought slipped into my head “Hmm.. This apple is kinda like my sin.” A cliché reference to Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit. So I decided to try and smash it on a huge tree in front of me in a vain symbolic attempt to dash my sins.
So what did I do? “If I’m getting rid of this sin I’m going to do it with power and glory!” So, I Chucked the apple as hard as I possibly could at this tree!
And......................................
.......................................
........................................................................................... I missed. I missed the huge tree. It was right in front of me!
Then I thought “I tried too hard.” In trying so hard to smash this apple with style I tried to throw it too hard and just missed completely.
Then I got this beautiful piece of graceful wisdom from God. “You’re trying too hard with your sins. You’re trying so, so hard to dash all your sins on this huge figurative tree, and in your vain attempt, you’ve missed. Just let go of your sins and give them up to me. Run to me.” I rummaged deep in the forrest past the tree and finally found the apple. I went back to where I was standing and just tossed the apple and it EXPLODED on the tree. I finally realized what God was telling me.. “You can’t do this. All you can do is let go of these sins and turn to me, and my Son has already done the rest. you can’t save yourself.”
Hahahahaha. I just started laughing with this big stupid grin on my face. I turned and started walking back singing worship songs. “I love you Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you, Oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my King, in what you hear, let it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear.” I finally opened my mind to what God was telling me: I can’t be my savior.
Somewhere during the walk home I started to think about how long I walked through the woods with that apple clasped in my hands. It was at least an hour. I thought to myself “Wow, I held that apple and walked with it for a REALLY long time!”
Suddenly the apple/sin reference filled my head again. I realized that just like with the apple, I held on to my sins for soo long! Wayy too long. I carried these sins for way longer than I needed to or should have. All I had to do was let them go and run to God.
Not only did I finally get the idea of repenting, and that I cant do anything on my own. But, I had gotten a word from God and for the most part understood it and realized that it was from Him. Which was a huge answer to prayer in-and-of-itself.
I got back to the Chalet right before lunch. I’m not really sure how long I was gone. But everyone was like “Where’d you go, Josh?”
I just told them that I had to talk with God in the woods. They understood.
